I visited my mother this past weekend, and as we always do when we’re together, we started jaw jacking. As an adult, I’ve learned to appreciate the opportunities to just converse with my mom, undisturbed. Oftentimes, her wisdom reminds me that perspective is paramount. I love that we focus on God, and these days, more on how much God has grown me. It’s like I’ve done a hundred and eight degree turn!

In talking to my mom, I divulged that I can now see where each of my previous partners communicated that they didn’t want me. Rather than hearing what they said, though, I took it as a challenge, and I convinced them to stay. I’ve done this multiple times across multiple relationships. I CONVINCED MEN WHO TOLD ME THEY DIDN’T WANT ME TO STAY, AND I BLAMED THEM FOR HURTING ME! (insert eye roll emoji). Man, I didn’t know anything about accountability!

History Lesson: Sara Baartman and Present Day Tie-In

I studied African-American history in college, and I remember learning about Sara Baartman. She was treated like a zoo animal – often placed in arenas to be observed and gawked at for having larger physical features than was perceived as normal at the time. Her story paired with the stories of slaves auctioned off to the highest bidder sticks with me. These people were literally used and corralled like cattle just to fetch a pretty penny!

If we’re going to talk about how perspective is paramount, allow me to be fully transparent. While I was begging these men to choose me, was I not willingly subjecting myself to the same behaviors that my ancestors experienced involuntarily? Isn’t what I was doing akin to standing on a platform, exaggerating my positive features in hopes of maximizing my profit or seeking a good return on my investment? I allowed myself to be gawked at and observed in unnatural ways and situations that only devalued and demoralized me. Was the very thing that angered me not the very thing that I was choosing to mimic?

Why the past?

Mom and I were discussing my previous relationships because I was expressing sadness over another “failed” talking stage. I guess this one hit me hard because I just KNEW that I’d finally met my husband. Y’all remember “Prayers from the Inside“? My subconscious prayed for this type of man! Y’all ever have that happen?

On our first date, he so passionately talked to me about God and showed me, through memorized scripture, how much God loves me and how God chose me, even long before ‘God formed me in my mother’s womb’ (Jeremiah 1:5). I know some of y’all are rolling your eyes because ‘every man pretends to believe in God to get the woman’. And normally I’d agree, but it was different this time.

This man was genuine and passionate about God! He explained how he had challenged his own beliefs in his quest to seek God. With each scripture that he recited, he keyed it into Google and handed me his phone so I could read the scripture for myself as he continued to teach me. That night, he taught me with a level of gentleness, passion, and ease that can’t be faked. This man TAUGHT ME ABOUT GOD ON OUR FIRST DATE, and he had the sweat pouring out of him to prove it! (If you know, you know). What started off as a handsome man, quickly became a FINE man that I couldn’t wait to hear folks say ‘You can tell God put them together!’ when referencing our relationship! And as the date carried on, I just stared at him, lost in the reality that I’d finally met my husband.

After our date, I drove home deep in prayer, asking God to give me strength to do right by His son. I want God to be pleased with my union and my obedience, and I want the ability to seek God for guidance on how to love MY MAN properly. My goal is to love MY MAN in ways that he’s never experienced or known. And the only person who can show me how is God. Imagine your partner going to God to learn how to love you. That’s my goal!

The Roadblock

Anyway, fast forward, life got a bit hectic for this man, and he communicated as much. As a result, he made the decision that we should just let it go. Though I respect his stance, it saddened me because I just knew that I’d met ‘The One’. And here he was letting me go, but remember: perspective is paramount.

After he called it quits, I laid in bed sad for about a week. I’ve learned how to be soft with myself, so I gave myself the time and space needed to feel my feelings. A thought that I was intentional to replay was: “Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God or His plan; it simply means I’m human.” And honestly, I invited God into that sad space with me, and He did what He always does; He showed up for me and brought me right on through it!

What He revealed

God showed me that I had a type. I constantly chose people that didn’t choose me, and He brought receipts – one of which being the conversation I’d had with my mom. I was flabbergasted because I never realized that I was battering myself by continuing to pursue my type! God is so good, though, that He’d been healing me and protecting me from my own bad decisions At the appropriate time, He revealed to me just how big of a role I play in my own pain!

While lying in bed early one morning before work, God showed me just how much perspective is paramount. He showed me that where there was once pain, He’d now given me growth. Where I was once saddened by this man’s rejection, God had empowered me by reminding me that I let go. I LET GO, AND I LET GOD! In a situation where I would have tried to convince this man of what he stood to lose/gain, I instead let go. And I did it with respect and no harshness or bitterness. I LET GO! And to me, that’s worth praising God for because that’s what we call growth, baby!

The truth is simple: If this man wants me, he must choose me, and honestly, that decision lies between him and God.

My new dating mantra is this: I’ll fight for you; I’ll fight with you; but I’ll never fight you for me. To me, that means I’ll fight as your advocate and as your partner, but I won’t fight as your adversary, encouraging you to choose me at every turn.

Champion’s Corner

Let’s discuss four perspective points that I’ve learned on this journey.

Action Item:
What perspective points have you learned? Let’s chat about them below.

Bonus Point:
Y’all wanna know just how much perspective is paramount? Stay tuned because you’ll see more of my growth and perspective points as it relates to this ‘special character’ in my journey.